EeuwigheidDagen gaan voorbij en wat gebeurt in mijn hoofd gebeurt nooit in het echt. Werkelijkheid en fictie raken versmolten en creëeren een prachtige eenheid waar ik niet kan reiken. Voorgelogen door mijn eigen verstand dacht ik het in me te hebben, maar het bleek zo ver weg van mij te staan.
Nu niet meer, nu hoort daar verandering in te komen. Luisterend naar mijn eigen diepste ziel zal ik mezelf vinden. Mijn leven zal niet meer verspild zijn.
Hier een verslag van wat ik wil, wat ik doe, waar ik heen ga. Om structuur te brengen, om mezelf te leren kennen.
Een lach en een traan versmelten in de sneeuw.
Het bitterzoete verlangen
vergeten door de tijd.
Een andere werkelijkheid.
Een onmogelijke wens.
I ran awayOkay, can I just start with saying this to myself:
AAAAAH YOU FREAKING KNOBHEAD, YOU IMBECILE, YOU RETARDED PIECE OF A DONKEY'S ASS, IDIOT OF IDIOTS, AND UNWORTHY HEAP OF SHIT.
Since that's out of the way; where do we start.
I'm gonna have to write this sometime soon, so I'd better just get it over with. (How I wish I would've had that attitude towards everything).
But -as will be only so much clearer after this story-I suck hugely at doing something that really has to be done, even though the consequences of not doing so might be very bad, and even seem worse than they are. They mostly do. I spend days and nights worrying about what will happen when people find something out, and then they do find out and it all seems to be not that bad.
And still I tend to stretch the waiting part as long as possible, probably because a part of me thinks it might be rewarded and let me get away without any consequences.
The daft ironic thing about it is that it only makes it worse. The real punishment is the terrible, terrible wait.
But even when people already know the truth and it's unmistakeably that I did something, I can't, I really physically can't tell them in their face that I did it, I'll lie about it, or I'll even say completely nothing over saying 'yes, I did that' or something along those lines (which you can imagine leads to stupid situations with people asking things and I don't answer.. right, retard).
Actually I think I've really never accomplished admitting something I did face to face, even if I wanted to. I remember times where I tried so hard to get myself to admit 'it' to someone, and I prepared it, prepared what I was going to say, how the situation would go, etc. And I'd be asked about it and before I knew it I heard myself say 'no' and get out of the room as soon as possible.
The only exception might be when we're talking about passed times and we're able to talk about it in a 'oh, look how silly we were back then' way.
And this actually applies to really, really small, stupid things. Lies about things people don't even care about.
So you'll probably have to read through pages and pages of this rambling chatter, ages of drivel before I get to the actual punch line. But sincerely, this is the only way I can get myself to actually write this properly. I can't just get to the point, I need to feel comfortable at first, as it's personal what I'm about to tell.
And It's probably a good thing too, because it'll give you, the readers, some more perspective, so I might get some mercy, some understanding, at least that is what I hope for; to not be chopped into pieces in an instant.
So yeah, I lie, a lot I guess. And I postpone everything as much as I can, and I'll lie about that of course. And both are quite involuntarily. I mean, of course sometimes I lie because I feel it really benefits me, and sometimes I'll postpone because of so-called valid reasons.
But there are lots and lots of times where I actually really try not to do so, because I know it will cost me. It will bring an awful lot of stress, agony, and it will make people around me angry and/or sad - quite rightfully.
And therefore, I know that I would stop this if I could, it has come that far that I know for sure, that it's no case of laziness or ease, because it has no benefits, and I know it, and actually I know it so well, that in the early stages of delay, I'll already chastise myself for it. So even at the start, where you could possibly say it would be simple laziness - just putting it off because we don't want to do it, we can do it tomorrow - it's not anymore, because I'll recognise it and that'll cause stress. So therefore immediate disadvantages occur and it actually takes more energy and time then I gain by not doing it.
The correct term for this postponing seems to be 'procrastination' and in my case I'd self-diagnose it as 'chronic procrastination' as I do believe it is interfering greatly in my daily life.
What the underlying cause may be, and why it started, I have no idea.
It's funny though, what I got away with. How many times I felt awful, and completely desperate, completely sure that it was all over, I was screwed, there was no way out, this time I'd fail.
And in the end, no one noticed anything, nothing terrible happened, and I got away with it, again and again and again and again.
School is such a great example, oh all those things I fucked up over there. All these things I didn't do, didn't prepare, skipped etc.
And all these evenings that I dreaded going to sleep because I didn't want to wake up and face the awful consequences of what I did or -probably more likely- didn't do.
There are people, a lot of people even, that are very capable of not doing anything, and then sleeping fine, going to school the next day and say to everyone 'oh I'm such an idiot for not doing anything'.
I envy that, not only are those the people that'll get over it when it does become really important, they also simply don't worry about it all that much.
But I would lie about it to everyone as much as I could. And the night before I would feel like the world would come to an end, I'd exaggerate the situation as much as someone possibly can.
Then I'd get there, and I'd always get away with it. Forgetting my books was always popular when I didn't do my homework, or they simply wouldn't check it, or I'd scribble a load of nonsense in the open spaces, or only make the last assignment on a new page. For some reason I hardly ever got punished for my not doing anything. Not something I'm proud of.
It included not doing my homework, but also not learning at all for tests, and at start it didn't really matter because it was easy and you'd learn it in class in a passive way and sometimes active, which I actually did do sometimes.
But I guess it does show why I always had a problem with languages. It's not that I suck at them especially, it's simply something you have to just learn for, you have to make time for it, and that was something I just couldn't do. And English is simply something I learned from doing all the things I did when I wasn't doing school, so luckily I did learn something while I wasn't learning.
I was great, and probably still am great, at rationalising this act of procrastination to myself. I wouldn't need French or German and didn't want to learn it, so that's why I didn't pay attention to it, and later it became 'School is useless, so I'm right for not doing anything'.
Even for philosophy it was hard do get myself to do something for it. A lot less hard then for the other subjects, because I do love the subject and I'm good at it. But it was a weird way of doing nothing, basically of not having a time of the day that I normally spend for homework, so I wouldn't have a time when I wasn't in school that I would actually know 'I have to do my homework now'. So if I didn't actively force myself that I really felt like I should do some philosophy homework this day and I planned it in and made myself think of it, then I might do it. But that didn't work for big amounts of work, or for subjects I didn't like doing. it's so easy to get yourself distracted if it's something you don't really want to do.
I also got away with it very easily by rationalising towards my teachers, mentors, friends etc. I guess I was quite good at that too. I remember multiple conversations with my mentor in the 4th, 5th and 6th grade where I didn't do very well in some subjects and she always believed me when I told her that I just had my own way of working or whatever I told her really. Or even if she didn't believe it, I did get away with it, even if I really didn't want to get away with it. Because in the 6th grade I was convinced I would fail my exams, and I tried to do something, to learn at least something, just to get a high enough grade. But even in the very weeks of my exams I hardly did anything. Which was very stressing and very tiring, because you're constantly angry at yourself for not doing it, constantly thinking about it, constantly reminding yourself of the consequences, yet nothing happens. You could get angry at me about it, because it sounds like laziness and still I got people supporting me, which I didn't deserve at all, and it did feel like a betrayal towards them. But trust me, I've already been angry about it towards myself, for six years or something similar, and I guess it didn't work.
I only just realise it's not only a real problem, but it's a problem I might not solve on my own.
I always thought it would pass when I went to university, had more freedom and did something I'd find very interesting.
Well either that just doesn't work, or I don't find this study interesting at all. Which I actually don't rule out. I still like to believe that if I actually did something like the conservatory I would actually do it, because I want to do music and I think about music all the time and I do music every day already. And really whatever course I take really has the purpose of finding me a band, because that will always be my dream.
It might also be the case that I'm actually not a person for natural sciences at all. Maybe if it were more philosophical or psychological I'd be more interested.
Maybe it's because I'm not certain this is what I want to do that I'm so much less motivated for it. And maybe it's also in combination with change, everything is new, I have to get adjusted to a new home, new people, a new way of living. Maybe I don't cope very well with change.
I feel quite good at the moment, it's snowing outside, revealing a beautiful white world, I'm listening to Coldplay, I'm writing this down, which actually helps a great deal. I'm safely locked away in this room, safe in my own little world.
But I shouldn't feel good, and I can feel somewhere in me this part of me that knows it's gonna go wrong very soon (that's also the part screaming at me on the top of this page). And it's not something I can just shrug off, I screwed up this time, I really did.
I don't feel at this moment like I did anything wrong, and that's probably because it cleverly consisting of not doing anything. And I mean that in a sense of physical/emotional feeling, not rational, I know I did something hugely stupid. And that cannot be stressed enough and yes I am very angry at myself, and disappointed.
And I do wish I could've solved all this on my own. I wish I didn't have to tell anyone this, at least not until I can look back and talk about it in a ‘oh look how silly I was back then' way. Because I don't want to disappoint anyone, I don't want to be a failure. And by admitting it to others, I have to admit it to myself.
You're probably all like "shut the fuck up, what the hell did you do? Did you murder someone?"
ok, this is NOT easy for me to write down, at all.
I've been here now for 2 days, literally, I have been here in my room, I didn't go out. I did not go to university, I actually managed to skip my exams.
Well that's that, I said it, now I'm just gonna crawl back in bed and try not to think about it.
If it only were that easy, as I said this isn't something I can get out of, I'm in it, I'll have to face people again one day.
It's not that I ‘just skipped my exams'. I didn't do anything for it, which was very easy as they don't really care what you do with your time and whether you go to the lectures or whatever.
So don't, please don't tell me it was a stupid thing to do. I KNOW that, better than anyone perhaps. And I'll tell myself that the rest of my life, no worries there.
And the stupid, but maybe slightly blessed, part is that this gives me absolutely no room for my normal excuses. If I just went there and did bad, I could've told everyone a million things why I didn't make it, and that would be that. But there's no sensible excuse for this.
This really developed, starting with doing nothing, as usual. But that's no reason not to go and try anyways, but this was the first time I could get away with doing nothing on a paper. I've always been good at those because you can't get out of it, you can't skip doing a paper, you have to hand it in.
But there was no push here about that paper, and actually I had to hand an assignment in before that, without it you wouldn't be able to get your final grade.
But if you kind of ignore everything, you just escape inside your own world, and then suddenly you find out that deadline has already been. That leads to the thought that you screwed up already, you can't get your grade now, you get scared, pull away into your own world even more and don't do the whole paper. The more you miss the harder it is to do something and to go there. Scared of getting at the exams and being told that I can't make the exam because I didn't hand in my assignment. That might've been the most direct lead to not going. The thing is, you don't really decide not to go. You think about it, get scared, can't decide, freak out, do it all again and you're still going over it as the clock tells you, that you have to go now or you'll be late and you won't dare to go at all. Which means you haven't decided and going there means you'll have to act, you'll have to do something. And doing nothing is always easier than doing something, so you'll do nothing. Which luckily means that if I couldn't decide whether I should go and kill a particular person, I'd probably stay in as well, let's see the upside.
And the next day the other exam is coming, not really the same reasons for not going, so yeah you should go. But, you happen to have to meet the eyes of all those people that missed you the day before at the other exam. "Where were you?" Well, I don't have an answer to that. And you already screwed up, how much worse can it get by not going to this one.
I'm not justifying anything, just explaining to you how I think my mind might've worked.
So right now I'm writing this down because this is my only way I can explain it to anyone without freaking out, lying, crying, breaking down, or any other thing.
And right now, I don't know if I dare to go home. Especially if they haven't read this yet. Because I know I'll lie about it, even if I don't want to, and I feel this blog is proof of that.
I kind of want to know their reaction before I get there. Because I don't know what it's going to be. And I dread seeing anger, disappointment, sadness in their eyes. And I fear that I might not even be able to talk about it in real life even after people read this. I don't know why that is, but it's very difficult.
I feel safe here right now, in my own world, with Coldplay, Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, House, lots of other things.
But I long to be home, to feel home, be with my parents. I just hope I don't disappoint them. I don't know how shocking this blog is, how new it is to the people that read it. I've known I'm like this for a long time, but did you? Or am I breaking some dream now? Am I breaking an image of a better me?
Well I guess it has to be done sometimes, truth is valuable, and in this case more important. Or so I'd like to think.
Now I'll go read some Stephen Fry, listen to some Coldplay and I see where this takes me. I'll probably force myself to get on the bus and the train sometime soon, and then I can't escape going home, which is good. It'll probably not be bad at all, I always fear for the worst situation.
I hope the people reading this value my honesty above my immense stupidity. I hope for mercy, but I do not feel I deserve it.
Is there something wrong with me? I don't know, I feel quite happy to be honest, but for some reason I keep screwing up, happy or not. Right now I feel comfortable enough to say that it will be okay. Before I wrote this down I wasn't so sure, so there's a good thing about this blog. Writing blogs is good for me, I guess. And in a way I'm quite proud of myself that I'm able to be honest and ask for help, which is a huge leap for me, even though it's in a blog.
p.s. I do want to thank the world for giving me such a great familly, great friends, great passions, talents and idols. And I'm sorry for not doing better, I'll try.
To end with something suiting:
Story of truth and imagine
Life's a mess, as always I guess. All these things that have to be done,
that have to be taken care of, paperwork, it's making my head a mess.
And I dive into the safety of my own world, books, House, Coldplay, art.
And ofcourse I take everything way to serious. Those problems aren't as problematic as I make them, my world isn't as perfect as I make it seem.
I'm dreaming my life while it's passing me by, yet I can't stop doing so. I guess I'm also afraid to wake up, to see reality, to see that my life can never be as perfect as my dream. That I'm average, below average. Maybe I can't handle the world without my imagined world to hide in, maybe I can't handle it without that hope for something that will never be.
False hope, but hope.
I feel like I'm losing grip on the world, on my life, on what reality is. Maybe I'm crazy.. That thought crossed my mind a lot last year or so.
Can I just live in the mind of someone else for a while, see what it's like, compare, am I crazy, what is it meant to be like, do I want to live?
Will I ever love? Can I only love people that are per definition unreachable? It's been such a long time, I can hardly remember the feeling. But if this is all it is, that's not worth it.
Where am I? I don't know
Where am I going? I don't know
Am I happy? I don't know
It's all so far away. It's all making me so tired, let's just lie down, lie down, sleep, dream, don't wake up.
Her eyes wouldn't dry, yet she was not crying. At least that's what she tried to tell herself.
Not sure whether she was convinced she touched her cheek with her hands. It felt weird, cold, as if it wasn't her own. But it wasn't wet, there were no tears.
Slowly she started tracing her face with her hand, as if to discover it, to get to know it finally, after all these years. And through that get to know herself, after all these years.
Her lips felt dry, her skin rough, she didn't know this person. She thought she did, but all knowledge had seeped out. and this new person waiting to be discovered, it caught her by surprise. But what was she?
She was the same as she always has been but blind, pretending to see. Now this new form of darkness scared her.
There was a quick flash, a light, a brightness so bright it burned her skin, but so short she thought she'd imagined it.
It scared her, it was new, it was something she desired, she dreamed of but was afraid to touch it. It's to perfect to touch it.
The darkness and the cold, became comforting, like a home. Safe, peacefull, known to her.
But she'd never forget the thrill of the light. She knew she'd always long for it. And when she got it, it would burn her, it would melt her eyes. Because truth hurts.
And in this home of darkness she'd dream of the light she'd never reach, tearing her heart slowly apart with longing, until she'd be consumed by it. Until she could do nothing but imagine the bright light scorching her face with reality.
And there she would lie, for years and years. Days passed by without notice.
The truth seduced her into imagination by showing her what she could never get. Thereby leading her as far from the truth as she could get.
Why did I writethat? No idea, it came pouring out.
It's been ages since I wrote something here.
I almost forgot about this place, but how could I? Secretly I love it here.
I didn't realise how great this place is until now actually. I reread all my old entries. Sometimes grinding my teeth over the things I said, but that's normal. Times that passed, I'm still learning ;)
But overall it made me smile, even the sad parts, it's so recognizable. It's just nice to read it back. That made me realise that this blog really ultimatly is for me, to remember how I felt. So it's my journal, but a journal makes it feel more useless, as I said, I can't write it if it's only for myself. It feels stupid to explain something to myself which I already know. But it is very usefull.
The usual moodswings happening here, right now I feel good, happy, and a bit restless or something.
Actually at this moment I don't really know what to write.
At this moment it's 23:16 I just put the Viva La Vida cd from Coldplay on. That's after I played some guitar and attempted to write some songs again. They still suck, the songs, but I love writing them. Part of the sucking is (I like to believe) also caused by not having propper recording material which makes it impossible to synchronise two recordings so I can't record any drums or anything like that with it.
And ofcourse by not having any band mates, being on your own is never as creative as being with other musicians.
And I'm very limited by just not being good at guitar or piano, so I can't use much more than just a few simple chords and such.
"Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost"
Let's just live by that, shall we?^^
I'm kind of bouncing up and down the room now, Viva never fails to make you jumpy.
How I can't wait for the next album, and how I'd love to be closer to the production process. Damn, that's my heaven for sure. Being in a studio, making music with your best friends, day and night, creating, really thinking hard about it, working hard at it, making something beautifull, and creating the artwork, thinking about the shows, making up rules, thinking about the album, getting inspiration.
Words once more do no justice to the feeling.
I just bought myself 'Roadie: My life on the Road with Coldplay' which is surely like the best Coldplay book ever. I can't fucking wait till it comes in the mail. I ordered it over the internet, and I've been waiting for it to appear in some Dutch internet shop for so long already, and now it is!
I don't have much interesting to write, and I should get to bed, I might be a bit to hyper for that though. I'll see what I do.
slkjdhfuawjIt's 14:11, friday. I have to go in about two hours I think, I'm not sure.
I have to call my father now, arrange some things.
I have to work, to learn the things I need to know in, what is it, 10 days? 11 maybe?
But here I am, not doing any of the things I should do. You should see me, I look like I feel, like crap. And so does my room, it's a mess, it's been a mess now for a long time. Just as my head is.
I constantly ask myself why? I don't understand myself. Why can't I get myself to do the things I need to, I feel that I could do it somewhere, but here I am, and I'm not doing them. I don't understand why, if I can, and need to, why am I not?
What is this thing that is stopping it? What am I trying to achieve with this?
What do I need?
I'm trying to analyze myself, but nothing is harder than analysing yourself. Because I know I lie to myself too, I fake towards myself. But then what is the truth and what is a lie? That's not easy to see, especially because a part of me probably doesn't want to see it.
Making excuses is a part of the faking. Always justifying my actions towards myself. Sometimes these excuses might be just, might be true. That makes it hard to see when they're not, when they're just easy, when they're just running away.
With everything I say to myself I wonder if I'm not just trying to believe it because it's easy to believe.
A friend told me to listen to myself because I always have good advise in such situations.
Maybe I do, but there's a big difference in giving advise to others and to yourself. To others you can be honest. To yourself you can't always be honest because a part of you won't want to know, because it's not easy. It's not easy to be strong, it's easier to run away, so a part of me will always try to run away.
And I guess I'm letting it, because being strong is hard. It's scary too. What if it doesn't work. What if I finally get myself to try, and then I see that there is no progress, that I can't do it, that I'm actually not strong enough.
In running away there's always hope that you could've done it. If you're trying to be strong, you might discover that you can't do it, and that's just the scarriest thing it the world.
There are just a lot of factors that can make running away easy, or maybe better to say; a lot of factors that make being strong hard.
Clarity for example. When it's not clear what you have to do it's much more difficult to go and do it, and it's therefore much easier to not do it.
Or amount. When there's a lot of things you have to do, when there's a big pile it's also much more difficult to go and do it. You don't know where to start, you feel like you'll never be able to get it all done.
Time is another factor, when you don't have much time then you'll feel like you can't get it done, when there's a lot of time you'll feel like it's not that important yet, you can do it later.
There are probably more factors that you can use on yourself to get yourself to just run away. How interesting it is for you and how important it seems for you. And wheither you're alone, because it's much easier to fake yourself, towards others you can't fake that easily. At least, sometimes..
So I run away, I run away in my obsessions. I burry myself in my room and do nothing else, just sleep and eat. Losing grip on reality, living in this strange world that doesn't really excist.
Maybe a part of me also doesn't want to be strong to try to fill up the lack of attention, to show that I need others, that I'm not going to make it.
It's like cutting, people do that partly because they need to show people that they're not doing okay, they need help.
Because for some reason you can't tell people that youre not doing okay. Sometimes you might not even be sure wheither you're doing okay or not, wheither you're just overreacting or not. You always see that people that cut hide that they're cutting. It's a very double process, you don't want people to see that you're weak, but you do want people to know what you need.
Okay whatever I don't know if somethings wrong with me or not, I'll fuck up the exams in two weeks and after that I hope I'll be able to clean my room again or something..
The Miniature Earth"One day
I'll sell everything I have
And give the money
To the world"
Just a thought, popping up in my mind after watching the following
Ofcourse I can't sell completely everything I have, but it's about the thought that goes from it, and one day, I will do something.
I know I ought to be learning my biology now, but spreading this message might be more important, even if it's only towards one person. And they can give me any grade they want, at least I try to do something for the world. They can't take that away from me.
The Girl that Silenced the World for 5 Minutes
We should act.
Rant rant rant rant rant rant rantI feel.. weird
I feel a bit like everything is slipping away, and passing me by, while I lie here, numb.
My mind doesn't work that well, it's confused and kind of lost it's way in this world where nothing seems to ever be sure.
That said, my body works even worse. My body's numb even when my mind is not. It's just not listening.
And around everyone passes by, as if I move in slow motion. I can't keep up, but they're not waiting, and they're not going to. And as my mind thinks of what we're going to do, my body just doesn't take action. It's all the same old way, the same routine, day by day, I say no but I do yes.
And the people around me, yeah what about them..
Are there even people around me? I live in this dreamworld, but not one you'd want to live in, it's making me numb, it's driving me crazy, it's repeating my thoughts again and again, going into my head and filling it up, leaving no space for anything.
So I just walk from here, to there, and back, and I walk, and I know what to do, but I can't. For some reason my body won't respond.
And when there comes someone, someone I care about, I feel better, they drive this thought out of my head, giving me some space, they don't have to do anything, just be there, it helps, just a bit, just for a moment, but it helps.
And then they're gone, and the process starts all over again.
And for some reason, it happened, it just occured, that I'd see my friends less and less.
Everyone had their reasons to be too busy for me. I sticked behind, even when I'm to busy, I'm really not.
One thing they all seemed to have in common though. They found him or her, the perfect person. Even the ones that say they won't let their relationship with their friends be influenced by it.
It simply can't happen any other way. It's very time consumming and it shouldn't be any other way. But we shouldn't deny, that it is one of the things that caused me here, being alone.
Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong, where I left the herd and got stuck behind.
I do see some friends, but sometimes I feel like I see the majority only when they have problems and they need my help. I love helping people, don't get me wrong. But it's hard to help people succesfully, after which they dissapear more and more, because they don't need you anymore, or at least not as much.
And then we have the person I am. Not very able to tell people what I mean, not very able to ask help when I need it.
And when I ask for help, I guess no one is able to help, or only very few. Sometimes I wonder how much they try.
I just feel like I'll be a faillure, I'll be stuck here forever.
Here I lost my purpose of why I was writing this and what I was trying to say, so it might not make sense at all. Second I'm writing this in a state where I feel like shit, I feel rather lyrical, I feel complety dramatic. So everything I wrote will be dramating and overreacted probably. I'd say: read between the lines.
I guess I just can't handle it that I'm alone so much while everyone (at least of my close friends) is being happy with there boy/girlfriend while it makes me see them less and less. Even though I helped a lot of them in the last year. They were never able to really help me, some where able to help a bit, but not really. And I don't see when anyone set herself away to help me, there's maybe one person who did that a bit. But then again I feel like I did it more often. I just feel kind of useless now, they needed me, passed on to some other person and are slowly leaving me.
And I kind of feel that way, way to soon, probably because it happened to me before.
So what have I learned? Something I probably also learned 3 years ago. That friendship doesn't have to last, even if you want it to. You go different ways and grow apart, and you know it will never be the same as it once was, if it even stays.
I'll miss them.. my friends. I already miss them..
When the truth is, I miss you
It's 21:43, Sunday 20-12-2009
I feel weird... there's no word to describe this feeling really. Take all emotions, mix them together and there you go.
Yesterday was a special day. Not that there are much people that were aware of it. Well actually it's more like it wasn't a special day at all for most people.
19-12-2009 Coldplay in Exeter. Last gig of the decade, and not a normal one. A gig with 2 other artists and for 500 people only. (Compare it to 50 000 to the gig in Nijmegen) Tickets 50 pounds.
When I write it down here it'll all just sound stupid anyways. There's only one place I know of where you can write this down without being a complete idiot.
It's just stupid.
I just so wished I could've been there. I just wish I would've been there.
I'm listening to this song now a lot. I feel like talking about how I feel but the words don't come. I don't think there'll be words I'll be happy with. They'll probably only give you a wrong idea or something
"A warning sign
And I missed good part
And I realised
That I started looking
And the bubble burst
When I started looking
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tone
That I started looking for a warning sign.
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so.
A warning sign
He came back to hunt me
And I realised
That you were an Island
And I passed you by
When you were an Island to discover
Singing common in
And I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
Yeah I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign.
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
that I miss you so
And I'm tired
I shouldn't have let you go.
So I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms"
I don't know why this song does so much for me right now. It just seems right... It makes me cry though.
I guess my life just seems a bit empty right now.
Now I'm going to post way to many random Coldplay clips to cheer myself up :) Note: DON'T feel obliged to watch them! And there's gonna be a LOT of Chris because I'm in a Chrissy mood ^^
Oh wow this has to be posted, it's a list of rules that hung in the Bakery (the band's recording home):
1. Albums be no longer than 42 minutes, 9 tracks.
2. Production must be amazing, but with space, not overlayered, less tracks, more quality, groove and swing. Drums/rhythm are the most crucial thing to concentrate on; diff. between bittersweet and science of silence. [A reference to The Verve and Richard Ashcroft solo]
3. Computers are instruments, not recording aids.
4. Imagery must be classic, colourful and different. Come back in glorious technicolor.
5. Make sure videos and pictures are great before setting release date. And highly original.
6. Always keep mystery. Not many interviews.
7. Groove and swing. Rhythms and sounds must always be as original as possible. Once jon has melody twist it and weird it sonical.
8. Promo/review copies to be on VINYL. Stops copying problem, sounds and looks better. [Ed. Note: My Viva La Vida promo was in CD format]
9. Jacqueline sabriado, ns p c c, face forward.
10. Think about what you do with charity account. Set up something small but really enabling and constructive. Ref j oliver fifteen [a reference to Jamie Oliver's Fifteen Restaurant]
Okay, they are silly xD It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I love it ^^ I don't think I've ever posted so much video's in one blog :P It totally made me happy again though. Such video's never fail to make me happy. I could've put in a lot more, but it's late so I'll go to bed.
And I love the one where Chris is running into the crowd :D
Such a Rush
Such a rush to do nothing at all
Such a fuzz to do nothing at all
Such a rush to do nothing at all
Such a rush to get nowhere at all
Such a fuzz to do nothing at all
Such a rush
And it's just like you said
It's just like you said
Such a rush to do nothing at all
Such a fuzz to get nowhere at all
Such a rush
such a rush
And it's just like you said
It's just like you said
So slow down please
Just slow down
So slow down please
Just slow down
Such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush.
Look at all the people
Going after money
Far to many people
Looking for their money
Everyobody's out there
Trying to get money
Why can't you just tell me?
Trying to get money rush
Such a rush
We all rush
Such a rush
Such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush, such a rush.
When I first heard this song, I didn't like it that much at all. I think it was my least favorite (or one of my least favorite) song of Coldplay. But actually I find it really good now. It's so true and it's so much how I feel right now, and actually always. It's really something I say a lot. And the music fits so good with the lyrics because it's slow and entchanting. I could listen it forever, it brings me in some kind of state.
Sleeping Sun - Coldplay
67801Feelings of incredible beauty, feelings of incredible hurt.
Not having what you have, what all of you have...
Seeking it in everything.
I tried to make it clear, but you didn't understand or didn't want to understand. Maybe it is selfishness or is it just me?
It is just me isn't it. There's too many of them to believe it's not just me. I don't know why. What did I do wrong? Tell me, let me set it right. Don't leave me alone in the dark.
You can say the words as often as you want, but I seriously can't believe you.
I do not believe you, any of you. You brought it to this point, and probably I brought it to this point. But do I really have to loose it all for that? heh, who am I kidding, I never had it anyways. It's all just a game, all fake. I just started to realise that.
Well let's see if I can get through it.. I guess I stand alone...
I must say, it hurts...
Have the stars dropped?"Have the starss dropped?" He asked, looking at me with his big blue eyes.
The sun was just starting to peer through the trees and he pointed up to the sky. His other hand safely trapped in mine.
I looked at him, his blond hair was still slightly tangled from the night. And he was humming to himself and the stars weren't of any interest for him anymore.
What a beautifull life it must be. The innocence and the truth of heart he still posseses.
"I promise you" I said, "that the stars will come back to greet you even this evening. And we'll go and watch them together."
"Really?" He looked at me in astonishment as if he could not believe that the stars would come back just for him.
A big smile turned up on his face and he began to play with the grass. I looked upon him and tried to embrace this moment, and to never let it pass.
I sat in the grass next to him, peering over the lake, feeling as if life made sense. The sweet, adorable humming beside me of a child whom can still imagine.
And I became that child, there and then. I floated over the lake and saw the waterdragons and the sweet little fairy's and the world beyond the deep. I could see the stars that fell in the water by morninglight and which slept there through the day.
And I never came back.
0I'm just the one that's always pulling...
Nightly walkSo, there I am again, about a minute later then when I posted my last blog xD
I'd would love to write a column you know, preferably under a secret name. And then just rant on about all these silly things.
Or when I'd be famous. Then you can write a column anywhere and everyone would love to read it and they would really like me to do it because it's so peronal. Even though I'd just do it for fun^^
It's night, or well, evening. So I'd like to go outside and run.
So let's go, let's get out of this small room and we'll fly into the madness.
And we'll run but never run out of energy. And we'll sing our hearts out and dance untill all the life around us joins us.
And we'll sit, watching the stars, we'll look up and see the blackness and the little yellow dots. We will feel the freedom in the wind and in our hearts. And the bats will swiftly fly all around us.
And it'll go on from dawn untill the sun rises and then we'll watch the sky form.
I can see you sitting beside me, the warmth of your body removes all the cold in the air, leaving only the pleasant breeze and your eyes to stare in.
You're brown eyes that reveal a whole world and in which I can stare for nights after another and I'll never get bored, the story it will tell is endless.
And you'll run with me because you are me and I am you. And we'll sit again at that lake, with the silver water. Where I sat at 05:00 that day.
I'll take you there, in my dreams.
So.. I noticed that (especially lately) my entry's are mostly sad and depressing.
I'd like to tell you that I am NOT depressed, nor sad all the time. But for some reason it is the easiest to write when you just feel awfull.
So yeah, at this moment I just feel kind of weird. Not sad (I guess) but weird.
Anyway, in my last entry I wrote a rant on concerts and stuff..
You know what it is. It is longing (as i said). But it's not just longing in general. It's longing for love, longing for music and balance. For some reason music always seems perfect. And that's what I want to be.
I'm a very jealous person actually.
It doesn't harm others in general. If I'm jealous at you, than it'll probably mean that I admire you and that I like you and that I befriend you.
I'll just be sad on my own.
But when I read a story which has been written very good. Than I want to be a writer. I feel like I'd be able to do that if I'd just do it. I feel like I didn't do enough to achieve that.
And in the next hour I might feel awfull and make plans on writing more. But in the end I won't write any more than I did before.
The trouble is that I have this with every form of art. So it's a problem because I can't do it all at the same time. And thus I'm sad when I experienced a great piece of art because I feel like it could've been me making something of such a value.
And in the main time I'm doing shitty things like writing on this blog.
So I would say that's the part were you should change. But changing isn't that easy. It doesn't really let's itself be forced. And when forced it takes a hell of a lot energy to really push it trough. And there lies the problem. I'm not that good at pushing myself to push it trough.
I did notice though that while my pointless atempts to make my life somewhat more useful, I did change for my benefit. I know do more useful things, have a less hard time when pushing myself to do things I said I would do etc.
So change will come. I'm just a slow developer (well probably not compared to the general people, but compared to my whishes I am). I think I should learn to be happy with what I have.
I am convinced though that friends, and in particulair 'one special person' can really help in this progress. And also living on my 'own'. Because I can't just do what I want in this familly. There's to much to be ashamed of and to much that won't be tolerated and stuff like it.
So I have hope.
I really don't know where this entry is going.
I guess the good thing about these entry's is that I am actually writing. I'm even writing in English (not that that's of many use 'cause no-one is checking on it but still). And it might not be fiction (in general) it still is a play with words.
So, now you deserve a youtube live clip of Coldplay (yes again) but I'll make it big this time^^
(Picking one might take some time though:P)
For your information, Chris (singer) holds a mobile phone at one moment, and yes it is a mobile phone from someone in the public and it's calling^^ So that's a cute thing to do right^^
Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle you can't find the missing piece
Tell me how you feel
When I feel like you're talking in a language I don't speak
And you're talking it to me.
ConcertinoSonata Arctica, live op Lowlands. Een anderhalf durend optreden wat ik op dit moment aan het kijken/luisteren ben.
Muziek, muziek, muziek. Daar ligt mijn hart.
10 December, Amsterdam. Dan treden ze weer op..
10 September, Nijmegen. Dan treedt Coldplay op.. en Omnia treed hier en daar op de hele tijd door.
Ik moet erheen.. Coldplay is geregeld en ik weet eigenlijk zeker dat de andere 2 ook wel moeten lukken.
Toch, om de een of andere reden ben ik bang. Alsof er ontzettend veel fout kan gaan, en alsof dat fataal is.. Ik flip em helemaal op dit soort momenten. Dan moet ik gewoon springen en rennen en schreeuwen. Anders word ik gek.
Muziek is verlangen. Verlangen naar alles. Een excuus voor de nare dingen van het leven. Een excuus voor de pijn.
Concerten zijn verslavend als drugs. Niet alle concerten. Het is niet dat ik naar een concert zou gaan van een band die ik niet luister. Daar zie ik het nut echt niet van in. Maar Coldplay, Omnia en Sonata. Daar kan ik echt niet op wachten. En tegelijkertijd maakt het me bang. 10 September, het is al dichtbij. Ik kan het niet geloven en ik heb het idee dat er iets mis gaat. Ik weet het, het slaat nergens op.
I'm going nuts.
crumble and fall
My last weeks have been Coldplay, Coldplay and Coldplay.
It's been a weird, surreal life. And in fact, it still is.
They've been my best friends and guide me through all I do.
I can't describe you how I feel about going to their concert. It's massive. I know it won't let me down. I know I will miss it so much.
I'd almost post all Colplay vid's I've watched here in an atempt to make you see what I see; feel what I feel.
But as you're not me.. it probably won't do anyway.
It feels like more than music, it can't be replaced by anything.
And it is as if having a friend actually (I know god damnit I'm obsessed). It comforts you and keeps you company and all. It's actually like a good old friend that has gone away and all you've left is the letters he wrote (the songs). So it's the most amazing thing ever, but it can hurt. And that is when you know that you really love them. When it hurts. For some reason it cannot come close enough. And the distant hurts.
But it's better than the emptyness that would be without them.
Oh my god I sound so pethetic >.< well perhaps I just am.
It's a dark starless night. As far as it can be dark here in the city.
Omnia, Sonata Arctica, Coldplay. That's my life. my love and my longing. Dancing, singing, music, concerts. That's just it. That's what I do it for.
I want to dance through the night with you and the music.
So I felt like writing to someone, but I didn't know anyone to write to. So what's better than a blog that's being - or at least once has been - read by about 3 persons. I feel very wanted now *sarcasm*.
Anyways, today was a day of huge up and downs and actually I'm not going to talk about because it was shit.
Still kinda desperate but hell, was it ever different? I feel like dancing and all, need another Castlefest down here. Or at least some Omnia show or something, can't wait for their new cd to come.
I guess I should go out into nature tommorow, otherwise I'll die in here.
Okay, I'll make an appointment now. I'll stand up at 7:00 tommorow morning and I'll have breakfast and all and I'll pack some food and water and a book or something and I'll go cycle to Meiendel (as if I haven't been there enough.. but it is the only place here that's sort of acceptable). and I think I should bring a map so I'll get there faster, I don't feel like cycling forever through lost villages.
Right now it feels like a boring, rather lonesome plan. But when I'm there I'll like it. The power of nature only manifests when you're actually there. So it's pushing myself that's the problem.
I'm not going to bring a mobile phone. I make a point of being without technology and preferably having no sense of time, as it makes it easier not to worry about it. Worrying about time is what we do to much these days. We either waste it or haven't got enought of it.
So much things that have to be done, they're always there, even when it's vacation. And I don't like it. It sticks in your mind like a constant buzz.
When I come home I'll go make music and dance the whole evening.
I think I'll keep to a (kind of) short blog today. So here we are.
Until we merry meet again.
(or something like it)
There we are again.
It's 23:13 right now. I'm going to try to make this entry somewhat less confusing. I do that for me, not for you=]
In advance: excuse my potentially bad English, I know I'm not that amazing at it and well I'd like to be better at it, but I'll simply keep writing, reading, listening and trying and we'll see were it goes.
State: Tired, normal, on the verge of melancholy, quite happy though, ehh.. weird?
So, things seem to be fine. I always plan a lot of things, I always want to do a hell of a lot things and I write them down, I write down my plans for the future. Distant and close.
Sucks that I don't get much further than writing them down. It's never easy to do the things you want in life. I have a lot of goals and here I find myself day after day sitting behind a silly computer doing useless things. It's how it always goes.
And this can get very depressing at times. Luckily I find that some things slowly start to work and I start to look more like the version of me which I pretend to be and which I desire to be. So maybe it's best not to try too hard. Just try and believe and all but don't get depressed over it 'cause life has a way of handeling these things.
I'd almost believe in fate, and I actually do believe that it will work out anyway, one way or the other.
Damn, I'm quite hungry but there's hardly any food down here.. as usual in my house >.<
I'll just go check out if I can find anything >.<
Well it's going to be the last bit of crisps then, I'll survive.
So.. I can't seem to find much inspiration tonight. Weird stuff.
so it's 14:25 now, the next day. How low on inspiration can one be right:P
Music is Coldplay, as always and status is ehh well kind of lonely but ehm that's normal? I'm sorry to say so but it actually has became normal. I'm on my own 75 % of the time I guess, and then I mean really alone and then 5-10% of the time with people that don't give a damn about me or at least pretend to not care or they just don't understand and don't want to understand (familly and random people). So wow, I'm with my friends a lot right?
Nobody seems to get the point that it sucks when you feel alone when you're with familly, that they can't be like friends or at least good company. They all seem to think it's much worse to have familly around you a lot of the time because they care and you care about them.
Well guess what, I'd trade with you without a second thought. So here I am again, alone, as I was yesterday when I came home, I think the words I spoke in that time can almost be counted on two hands. My company consists of movies, music and msn (only I'm very friendless on msn too so I'm not talking to anyone 90% of the time anyways).
Everything seems useless when there's no one there.
So I guess I'm desperate and sad. And I know it and you'll probably deny it but hell, you don't sit here do you? you're actually doing something probably with someone.
But I'd be alone even more if I wouldn't be desperate. As others aren't so desperate it has to be me that stalks them again and again. Otherwise I'd probably hardly see them. Wow it's sad.
I'll just get drumming and be friends with my Coldplay music and with the fucking television and feel useless or something.You know that every sad entry around here has come forth out of damn lonlyness..
well that's enough for now.